Seeking oblivion
by Hartt
Summary: And if I should die before I wake, tell them I was sick of playing games. *Previously called Little Old Double O' Nothing* *Not a death fic*
1. Chapter 1

Dear K Unit,  
So. I may or may not wake up, waking up would be a not so pleasant surprise. You see, many of you will see this as an act of cowardice, but the simple truth is that I've had enough. I've had enough of everyone treating me like I'm nothing. Like everything I do is a matter of what's expected from me. I was 14 year old boy when I met you. Double O' Nothing. Never thought that he had no family? That he had no one to look after him except himself? I have nothing. I have no one.

I'm sending you this because that way no one will have time to stop me. And if it's successful- no one will know what has actually happened. If not I'd wake up with everyone thinking it was an assassination attempt. Because Double O' Nothing turned out to be a something. I took Scorpia down a few times, you know. The way I get repaid? A bullet above my heart. I barely survived.

I never knew my parents. They were killed, by my godfather, before I could even say a word. My uncle was murdered by a man who saved me many times. My godfather later betrayed me and tried to kill me. Oh, and then the last person I had was murdered so I pushed all my friends away. Because do you know what it's like to live in a life where everyone you care about gets killed? Of course you do. But for someone like me, a 16 year old, it sucks. I've seen too much. I've been through too much.

There's no way I can live like this any more.

To many I'm suicidal. But I'm not. I just want to sleep forever. I just want everything to stop. I just want my life to be over.

Because I wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemy.

It's strange, how the first people that came to mind to write this to you was the same people who helped make my life hell. It really shows you how many people I have to turn to, huh? I guess that's all. Just don't tell anyone what I wrote.

...and if I should die before I wake, tell them I was sick of playing games. And that I decided to end it my way because I couldn't find another way to win.

Good bye,

Little old Double O' Nothing


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So I've had the same natured reviews 'please continue'. So I have decided to make it into a story. (yay) Of course I'm only typing this out now to let you know this turn of events just 2 hours and 40 minutes from my first exam (eep). Since I am currently doing my GCSEs I will struggle to update this as well as my other stories. So you'll have to bear with me. Also, when I wrote something like what I'm writing (I got 3 chapters in) someone told me Alex didn't act depressed, just as a note for you all to consider in future chapters; Alex isn't depressed. You'll have to wait and see what happens. **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Alex Rider or any associated characters/plot lines.**

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Another gunshot rolled around the battlefield. Yet another soldier dropped dead, the last shuddering breath leaving their body, disguised with a silent scream of pain. At the present moment the war seemed fruitless; there was no way they could gain from it. Many were injured or dead. Then came an explosion. The fortress that the many SAS soldiers fully dressed in their camouflage had been trying to get close to.

Only silence followed as they realised that they had won. Silently the alive soldiers retreated through the woods, trusting that someone else would pick up their fallen comrades. They couldn't face seeing people they had trained and fought beside time and time again laying there with unseeing eyes. They had seen death, but that would push them over the edge. It was also something they did not want to experience. They continued walking, not trusting themselves to look either side of them to see if their unit was missing a few members.

As they reached camp they separated off, finally daring to find their units; or what was left of it. Much to 4 soldiers relief their unit members were all still alive. K Unit had survived another battle without one of them dying. They were about to retreat to their tent when their CO marched over, an envelope in hand. He handed it to them silently with a grim face before handing them another envelope. "Read the letters in the order I gave them to you." The CO said, something about the way he was analysing them put them on edge.

Together they trooped over to a silent part of camp. Wolf, being the leader, glanced over the envelope quickly, noting that it had a scrawled 'K Unit' on. As he turned it over Wolf noticed the seal of the envelope was tarnished, showing someone else had opened it. Curiously he opened the envelope carefully. As he smoothed the letter out he blankly registered the same writing from the envelope. He started reading it out loud as he, himself, scanned through it.

By the end they sat in silence not saying a word. "Cub, committed suicide?" Fox whispered, he had known Cub only a fraction more than the others. After they had seen him snowboard down a mountain on an ironing board they had all given him respect. Even that was enough for them to realise he was the real thing and that they had made his time at Brecon Beacons a lot worse than it should of been. Wolf had even taken a bullet for him; as had Fox. The more times that they had seen him in action, as a discrete back up he didn't know that was there, or even the time they had to guard his house without him knowing so no one got killed (usually the enemy, it was just hard to explain to the neighbours why a teenager had just killed someone and hadn't gone to prison) they had more respect for the teenager. They just never thought he would do something like that.

"Damn." Eagle said, usually the hyperactive one of the group, he was oddly calm.

"What's the other one?" Snake asked, breaking his unit members train of memories of the blonde boy who struggled to keep up, yet never complained. Snake took it from Wolf and opened it slowly, taking his time to smooth the letter's creases out. He read the letter to himself first, he didn't think his unit members wanted to read the details of it since they were in a state of shock. Snake looked at his unit members who looked back at him. "Cub's alive."


	3. Chapter 3

If you've ever tried to take your own life, you would know how it feels to wake up very much alive. You just know you failed. You just feel yourself fill with this bitter tang of knowing that you failed at killing yourself. That's how I felt as I, unfortunately, opened my eyes and looked around a white hospital room. It didn't really matter what hospital I was in. They were all the same. A building built up of shades of white and black. Machines made the same beeping noise. The same smell lingered in the air; something between cleanness and the scent of death. All in all, that day was not my favourite.

The room I was placed in was empty other than myself. No one could come and sit by my bed and make me promise not to do it again, as many other people would have, they were all gone. It was because of my careless actions that they had vanished from my life. After all, I could of saved Jack. After all, why would they make her escape so easy? It should of been obvious to me that they wanted her to escape. Really, she had a brief lapse of freedom from that settlement. For a moment she had freedom and was able to think she could make it, but then her life had ended in a explosion.

For me the world seemed to freeze. Everything was still. Yet it wasn't. I mourned her as if the word was still for her, yet it wasn't. Life didn't wait for anyone and it had an uncanny knack of racing ahead while you were still trying to stand on your feet after it had provided it's almost fatal blow. I was stuck in a world that was built up of shades of black and white, like the hospital I resided in currently. There was no colour that tinted the picture.

"It's great to see you're awake." The doctor said with a smile as she walked in, checking my chart. Lies. That's all that came out of her mouth as she spoke to me. She wasn't happy to see that I woke up from my hopeful attempt at eternal slumber. It wouldn't matter if I died to her. I was just another statistic to everyone, I wasn't an actual person. That would imply that someone actually cared about me. No one cared. I had learnt that much over Jack's and Tom's death. I tried not to think about their ends, but when you're as lonely as I get you can't help but slip into such thoughts. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay." I said. It wasn't a lie. It confused me how I felt. Sometimes I could be the type of person to break into hysterical laughter over someone breathing, sometimes I could feel suicidal with no actual trigger towards it. Other times, such as now, I felt a brief sense of normalcy in my moods. It was in these periods of a normal mood that I knew something was wrong with me. With each mood I had different eating habits, different sleeping habits and, in general, different behaviour.

I didn't understand it, so like anyone I hid the concerns I had in regards of my behaviour and thoughts. After all, it wasn't as if anyone cared enough to take the time to consider how I felt. I was a weapon of mass destruction. Not a human.


End file.
